KOOLY THE BEAR WINS TOURNAMENT FOR COLLEGE TEAM

The sports team of West Joggin College have earned another day of high-fives as their volleyball playing bear has helped them take first place with a win yesterday. The bear, named Kooly Richards, was first discovered by the school's dean, who would feed the bear garbage everyday by the playground.

"I fell in love with him right away," says dean Jack Greene Jr., "the first thing I fed him was a pair of sunglasses, so I named him Kooly."

Kooly is a common breed of bear known as the Garbage-Bear, generally known for their hunger and potential for being a sports fan. Dean Greene first brought Kooly to a match to cheer as the school's official mascot. But then one day, at one of the volleyball games, tragedy struck. The ball took an odd bounce and sailed towards Kooly, and while many expected him to just eat the ball as if it were garbage, Kooly proceded to slam the ball at one particular child on the opposing team.

"I've never seen anything like it," says Greene, "he kept spiking the ball at that boy, over and over. He showed amazing talent."

LION REPLACES EAGLE AS COUNTRY'S HERO

In an astonishing display of skills and academics, the lion community has surpassed the bald eagle of America at this year's Xtreme Bravery Sportz Jam. The eagle, which will lose its title as Country's Best Hero for the first time in decades, was disqualified in the "Proudy Test" category for failing to give the peace sign to an elderly gentlemen during a morning shower.

Xtreme Bravery Sportz Jam is a month long event held each year in Radbury Mansion. Originating in 1927, Joseph J. Radbury began this event in the forest next to Washinton D.C, where he challenged the animal population to build a mansion for he and his family. Each breed was given 4 sacks of rope, 2 items of gold, and a pile of water with sticks in it. Having experience in gold crafting, the eagles were quick to finish and charmed the hearts of the Radbury family and all of America.

The lions have been trying for years to win America's love, but their dumb faces have prevented them from winning the "Sunglasses Test" for the past 35 years. Many believe the aging Radbury couldn't properly see the eagles wearing their 21st century sunglasses, costing them much needed points. One eagle even came to the winning ceremony wearing a pair of the lion's sunglasses, with a sign that read, "Dumb Glasses".

The lion parade will be held Monday in the National Sand Park.

DOG NARC WORKS UNDERCOVER AT COLLEGE PARTY

It's hard to be cool nowadays, and even harder to be kewl. That's why police have hired dog Roger Silvertrust as a spy to catch kids in the act of using, holding, eating, dating, clowning, or catching drugs. 

"Last week he came back all drunk and shitfaced, it was hilarious," says police chief Hobard Kullington, "He really gets into his work, he laces a lot of his clothes with today's coolest beers or drugs and drinks that shit all night. Seriously though, I think he's going to be president one day. He knows a lot of kids. And when kids know about presidents, there's nothing you can't not do to become one."

Silvertrust is most known for holding dance-offs with the intent to have drugs fall out of his pockets to see which kids will dive after them. When they approach the child is attacked by a robot that waits in the car outside listening for the sound of drugs falling.

-Hal Cronweld
Rest in Peace.

Dear children,

You may be curious about my uncle's death. He was found dead this morning mauled by his own 3900 dogs. The dogs were apparently tipped off that their owner was the one writing fake dog news every day and so they destroyed him. He was found by his computer with the image of himself(left) printed out. On the floor was this message written in blood: "Alien Lazer Graphixxxxx," with an arrow pointing to a tear drop that he also printed out.

As for the status of True American Dog, he had a few blueprints and notes on his drafting table that I immediately sent out to a cool graphix designer. There will be fewer updates over the next couple of weeks, unless I can manage to get his briefcase open. Expect an all new True Dog to be back up after the new year.

-Horse

DOG BUILDS SANDCASTLE-- FINDS MISSING FAMILY INSIDE

While locals made fun of a retarded dog for building a sandcastle on a field in the midst of winter, police were congratulating him. Why? He's managed to find a family that's been missing for over 200 years living inside his hand crafted dream house. 

The Kolowen Family, most known for their extravagant clown parties of the 18th Century, have been dead for years according to history books and police. In fact, 67 men and women have been put to death blamed for the disappearance of this adorable family. And now by some odd coincidence they show up in the fantastic world of a retarded dog. The dog's owner shares his opinions. 

"I found that dog on the beach years ago," says ranch owner Ghett Wreal, "Now I know why he's been taking trips there every winter and coming back with sand taped to his legs. Oh, and that family? Yeah they're alright, it's bullshit if you ask me--"

Police interrupted the interview at this point with 6 shots to Wreal's leg. "The blanket of dreams and miracles rests on the comfort of a grilled cheese pillow," says the police chief, "I have no respect for those who think otherwise." 

-Hal Cronweld

BROTHER'S FAMILY PORTRAIT TURNS TO MURDER ON XGMAS

Tis the season to be Golden, that's what I always say. The ever popular Goldtmas started last night at sunset and dog families can't wait to kill their siblings-- that is, of course, if their sibling is a boy. The rules for xGmas are simple: "If you are considered a golden retriever, or by definition a 'true hero,' then you must kill your brother on the date mandated by the Ancient Golden Retrievers Dog-gods." 

Since xGmas never falls on the same day year to year, traditional methods are used to determine when the holiday begins. It states: 

"Whenever a promise is sewn to a flag on the eve of a new born tree's seventh birthday, the holiday begins!" 

News of the promise came during a photoshoot for an xGmas card to the Harfling family. This glorious event was captured by photographer Trevor Gullysmith, who later sent the image to all their relatives.

"I think these guys were looking forward to Goldtmas a little too much this year," says Trevor, "As soon as the town whistle sounded the brothers instantly killed each other. I was glad to take a picture before too much blood spread around my studio, plus it'll make a great stocking stuffer for my child."

Gullysmith describes the murder as a chain reaction of "cool." Gustoph, the youngest brother, managed six shots with his favorite knife-gun after hearing his middle brother Hank unsheathe his sword. It's suspected that Leeland, the least creative brother, stabbed Gustoph to stop him from wasting knives in shooting Hank. Brilliant work boys, see you next year.

-Hal Cronweld

DOG DOES AWESOME STUNTS AND SHIT WHILE PARENTS AWAY

Kleenex Radbury does a lot of cool shit whenever he feels like it. Some refer to him as the 'neighborhood menace,' a 'troubled teenage dog with no life', or the 'crappy shit-eater,' but they're all jealous of his extreme horsing-off. He likes to call himself "Radbones Breaks Your Life," and likes to live life like a genius.

"I can't believe some of the things we've caught him doing while on vacation," cries mother Nancy Radbury, "Ice skating in the stove, jumping pools on his ATV, gallivanting in the market with his jump-roping, tying his shoes while burning them simultaneously, eating aluminum to save the world, the list goes on! If you ask me he really needs to get his priorities and motives straightened out."

All of Radbones' tricks are done for various charities around the country. When we asked Jake's Apples N' Real Apples Shop in Alaska if he received his contribution from Radbones for his motorcading event, Jake had no idea what we were talking about. As compensation, Radbones sent him a piece of glass with his signature on it along with a flyer saying "Break Your Life."

-Hal Cronweld

DOG SERVES TUNAFISH AND GRENADE SANDWICH TO MURDERER

The days of trouble and torment are over for dog Herman Linzioni after he successfully assassinated his master yesterday in Grand Cool Park II. Yosemite Linzioni is most known for murdering dumb things like bears, tires and free spirits, all of which are legal in the state of Kansas. But his dog could not stand by his master's side any longer as he murdered another bear.

"Herman's been really nervous this week, and now I know why," says hotel manager Gigi Laguardia, "I hated how they would bring their kills back with him to their room too. I got a lot of complaints from the cleaning department about bears in the sink and bloody tires all over the television."

While out on their daily killing walk, Herman and Yosemite stopped by the park for lunch. Herman nervously gave his master a grenade filled sandwich, which were cleverly covered in tunafish to make them virtually undetectable. Although many children and Herman himself were killed, the dreams of many bears can come true thanks to one brave dog and his trusty sandwich he likes to call "assassisandwich." 

-Hal Cronweld

TOM HANKS TO PLAY FAMOUS DOG HERO IN UPCOMING MOVIE

You may not have heard of him yet, but Snacktime the famous dog hero will become a household name when his heroic tale of heroism is brought to the silver screen by director Sanford McRotchis-Red. The part of Snacktime will be played by none other than Tom Hanks (Joe vs. The Volcano). 

Hanks has been known to take extreme measures when preparing for a part-- loosing 50 lbs to play Chuck Noland in Castaway, and 500 lbs to play Sergeant Negative in The Invisible and Physically Impossible World of Sergeant Negative. To play the role of Snacktime, he has been trying to reenact some of the dog hero's famous heroisms. He shares his experiences thus far. 

"In his autobiography HeroLife, DogLife Snackie-T describes the time he saved an elderly child from a bullet. I tried to recreate this scenario last weekend, but only a few of the test children survived..." Hanks trailed off into agi-tears®, a new type of agitated crying he invented to mimic Snacktime's superhuman emotions. 

Many have questioned McRotchis-Red for casting a human to play a dog, but he will not be dissuaded. "With computers, anything is possible!" he said, and refused to elaborate. We can only guess that Hanks will be turned into a dog by some sort of "Xtreme-power Super GraphiX Mainframe" computer. We can't wait. 

-Eagletoes Fabricsson

DOG WINNING HIDE AND SEEK COMPETITION WITH BLIND HORSE

What started as a friendly game has turned into a record shattering hide-and-go-seek competition between horse Klappy McRooney and dog Hides Pillthrower. For seventeen straight weeks now Hides has been hidden from the blind eyes of Klappy. Farmer McRooney comments on his prize winning champ of a dog.

"That has nothing to do games, I keep my horses blind and my dogs on top of them. Thank you."

Hides was originally purchased as a seeing-eye dog for the blind horse, but as we all know, dogs can be quite good at joking with horses. At the time of this article Hides was well in the lead of Klappy, as noted on the side of the barn scratched in by the cow referee. And although tied to a pole, Klappy searches tirelessly for his canine buddy. I look forward to the end of the contest, either the horse will die or find out he's been fooled so badly he'll die. Until then.

-Hal Cronweld

EAGLE SAMURAI'S MURDER PLANS FOILED BY SOIL

Ancient treasure Eagle Samurai was arrested yesterday on the charge of attemped murder. His target: hot-shot drug dealer and dog Euclid Pastrami. According to reports, Eagle hid underground beneath the morning dew, waiting for Pastrami to fetch his TrueAmericanDog newspaper. On sight of the drug addict, Eagle readied himself, only to find his sword was caught at an awkward angle in the mud and he could not spring forth from his hole. Neighbors share what they witnessed.

"All I remember was hearing this horrific sound, like an eagle struggling to get itself out from a dirt hole while wearing samurai attire," says Howie Dickle, "and when I went outside and saw what was happening, I high-fived my wife for calling the sound exactly. It was awesome."

Eagle spent the past 28 years of his life planning this murder. To honor his samurai traditions, he even crafted a gravestone of his victim to be buried there immediately after a successful murder. As for Pastrami, he admires his new gravestone and looks forward to using it one day. Police gave him some free drugs to deal for his troubles. 

-Hal Cronweld

SUPER DOG GETS IMPALED BY HORSE'S YACHT

The world has lost its only super dog in an odd string of events that led to the impalement of super dog "Danger Elite Destroyer," born Clyde Harris. Danger was on a routine fly around the ocean when Dumb Legs the Horse came speeding up out of nowhere and destroyed the Destroyer. A paramedic describes the scene.

"Oh terrible to you!" scolds Jence Irisuite, "A horse's boat is broken, have some compassion! I think the horse had blood in his eyes from that shitty bleeding mess of a corpse. Horse I love you!!" 

"Danger loves boats, but not that much," says friend Sardy Demmint, "Or maybe he doesn't I don't know, I'm not his friend."

Super dogs are one of a kind true heroes and can come from anywhere, not just America. They fly, dance, do trivia, eat trees and share poetry while standing on a burning child. It's those little things that bring a dog to super status, except in America, where all dogs are heroes.

-Hal Cronweld

DOG USES EXPLOSIVES TO PUT OUT FOREST FIRE

In an attempt to rid California of its yearly fire troubles, Chip (or "T-Rex" as some call him), bombarded the forests there with explosives. It's a technique all dogs learn at "Fire, Flamez, it's da Hotness School" located in New York.

"Explosions are larger and cooler than just dumb idiot fire," explains professor Haewhat Sup, "And when using explosions around mediocre fires, the smaller flames get jealous and start crying. Thus, putting out the flames-- the dog's a genius."

Earth-lovers in the area complained and didn't see a reasonable excuse for the localized inferno. They argued that he's doing more damage than the fires would do, or some shit like that I wasn't listening. Police loved the idea, they even dropped a few criminals into the forest before T-Rex had his way. 

-Hal Cronweld

DOG FIRST EVER TO ORDER "FOOD ON THE ROCKS"

God applauded yesterday when Throne the dog made the choice of a lifetime at Murmie’s bar pubbery. Throne was the first in the world to even dare to think about ordering “Food on the Rocks”, a mixed drink consisting of ice, vodka, and aged snacks. He thought about it for all of fifteen seconds before the peer pressure and physical violence from his buddies transcended him. “Order it you fucking pussy!” was heard throughout the bar with much enthusiasm.

“Food on the Rocks” had been avoided by even the most audacious of drinkers since its conception in 1432. Measuring in at three gallons of ninety proof ‘death water’ (not including the mandatory re-fill) and a conscious selection of ‘fooders’ and ‘foodies’, this legendary horse of a drink is anything but a joke.

“I was so fucked up I couldn’t remember shit. I do remember Throne the dog ordering 'Food on the Rocks' though. That was amazing,” explained Murmie’s bartender. Throne not only downed “Food on the rocks” at magnificent speeds, he also chewed through the glass and vomited blood for six straight minutes. “If he didn’t die we would’ve loved to have seen him do it again. I don’t know if he’ll be able to do much now,” teased Throne’s good friend, Clarissa.

Will Throne’s death encourage kids to “be fun” and “have trashed”? It’s very likely. At the writing of this article, I can tell kids have become more “dareful” just by the way they are getting tattoos of Throne ordering “Food on the Rocks.”

-Falcon G.

MAN PUTS DOG TO THE TEST

Neighborhood genius Philip Thee Garbedge began his work today to determine the strength of a dog's raditude and to find the source of its bravery. He set out to disprove the early studies of vetronymist Hoggard Kullp that describe dogs as being forged from the golden snow caps of Lucky Pine Forest, as it is clearly stated in many history books.

“Things are going well," says Garbedge, "but I haven't gotten to the smartest dogs yet, I'm starting with the smaller, dumber ones first that no one cares about. The results vary a little, with mostly images of trash, rope, treasure, and sand to name a few. No gold yet. I'm also uncertain and a little frightened about what will happen when I put a golden retriever in my machine. If legends are true the dog's raditude could kill us all."

Scientists and dog enthusiasts protest around Garbedge's home as they wait for the results. Many fear any anti-gold conclusions could trigger a dog depression and bloody murder spree. To stunt Garbedge's progress, some families have snapped the necks of their smaller, more retarded dogs. Only this machine can tell which race is superior.

-Hal Cronweld

DOG GIVES HAIRCUTS TO CHILDREN ON MOON

After running out of room on Earth, world renowned barber-dog Haggy has decided to bring his business to the moon. “Haggy the Dog’s Haircutz For Dude-Children,” the number one haircut place on the planet, with over 30 locations in every city in the world, has launched three of its most popular locations into space via airship/balloons. His goal is to combine a child’s love for space exploration with the parental concerns of how cool their child’s head looks.

“I think it’s darling,” says mother of four dudes Kara Typikal, “All my children love Haggy and they can’t wait to see him on the moon. Sure it’s a long trip but it’s my child’s head I’m worried about, you can’t take any chances.”

The question arises will the loyal customers follow their favorite Haggy’s locations to space? Yes. Haggy charges just 11 dollars and 42 million cents for his “Mooncutz,” and his projected profits for 2005 alone will make him the richest dog on the planet no contest.

-Hal Cronweld

DOG TO UNVEIL NEW COLOR

In an effort to make "kewler" paintings, artist-dog Gradion von Kewlenberg has invented a new color. There's a lack of interest in the presentation, which is surprising since von Kewlenberg is presumably going against all definitions of light and nature. The few ceremony attendees patiently wait for von Kewlenberg to decide when there's enough people interested before unveiling his latest color.

"You can't make up a new color, there isn't no color we haven't not yet not found that could exist in nature," says Physics teachers E. Van Jones, "That dog's been standing in front of a curtain for a week and has yet to reveal this bullshit. I ain't not waiting. Never."

The color is rumored to consist of plenty of gold and enough diamonds that would please some people, but not all. Von Kewlenberg is best known for his painting of a child that he painted only using bullets. The controversial piece resulted in the invention of the Painter's Gun, or a brush with a bullet taped to it. The product was number one in the box office and sold millions during last year's holiday season.

-Hal Cronweld

DOG SEES SOME FUCKED UP SHIT IN MAGICAL FOREST

Farmer Habertick had police rescue his dog Joey from the magical forest that lies within the borders of Peru this weekend. Habertick realized his dog was missing when he did not return from his morning shoe collecting job.

"My dog goes around the neighborhood collecting people's shoes so that I can steal them," says the farmer, "I realized he'd gone missing when I had no shoes to put in my milk for lunch. But I noticed a trail of wood glue on the ground, and I knew exactly where he could be."

Habertick is known around town for having an large collection of bronze statues that he makes delicious sandwiches from. He disposes of the excess statue parts in the forest in his backyard, where, years ago, wood- glue was invented by birds and sunshine. The forest was given the title Woodglue Woods, but some locals had trouble pronouncing it so it became better known as Magical Forest.

"It's unclear what life-forms have evolved in the Magical Foest, but we do know that excess amounts of woodglue and bronze do not mix," says therapist Howard Froll, "Joey has seen some very traumatic images in that forest. He is currently in the critical condition known as death, and I can't help him unless he answers some more questions about the forest."

-Hal Cronweld

DOG FLUTE CHOIR BEATS UNDEFEATED CHAMPIONS

The nation saw an end to the undefeated gold medalist flute choir from Montana last night at the First Annual Flute Choir Competition. Team Dog, or "The Kool Flootz" out-fluted "The American Sissy Patrol" by a score of 494 to 365. It's been 8 years that the Sissies have conquered this event, but the dogs took the crown after what some viewers call the ugliest competition they've ever seen.

"This was the worst night of my life," says Jane Haggerty of Dilltown, "I brought my kids for a fun night of fluting, but I had to tell them to walk home because of the horrific performance by the dog team. I've never seen so much blood or heard so much cursing in my life."

The Kool Flootz practice "intense fluting," which is an ancient tradition started by dinosaurs. It involves heavy music, mostly distorted, with a rain storm of blood to increase the effect of vandalism while fluting. The cursing is a modern addition to the art, but nevertheless people love the act and will pay anything to see a professional fluter perform it.

-Hal Cronweld

DOG MAKES INTERATIVE CD-ROM EDITION OF THANKSGIVING

Buster Magillicutty, dog and computer whiz, announced today a new product that he will add to his "Oh Hey!" learning series called “Thanksgiving: Eating, Pilgrims, and Death, Thank You.” He started developing the deluxe CD-ROM in the early 1940s, with a goal to accurately portray a family eating thanksgiving dinner in real-time. To officially mark the end of his research, Magillicutty rang the Thanksgiving Bell in the center of the town library.

“It’s all about getting the graphix to be awesome,” says Magillicutty’s graphic artist, “I was thinking about pilgrims, turkey, life, graphix, COMPUTERz, etc. So I made an awesome bold-simple statement with this killer package, full with lightning and lasers, complete with any type of jetfighter or skeleton that would fit onto my Alien Graphix paper.”

The CD-ROM contains ingredients to Magillicutty’s Famous Thanksgiving Holiday Sandwich, consisting of turkey, leaves, potatoes, hope, mischief, owls and a dash of a gobble.wav sound FX. You will also find that the CD-ROM itself can be used to serve thanksgiving dinner, simply break the disc in half and pour the ‘information gravy’ on to the delicious sandwich for all to enjoy. Users will need to purchase a separate CD-ROM for the plate and silverware. Each member of the family needs 6 CD-ROMs to enjoy Thanksgiving.

-Hal Cronweld

"DAWG LIFE" SELLS 400 MILLION ALBUMS IN ONE WEEK

In music news this week, rapper Homie the Dawg has shattered the sales record for amount of albums sold in its debut week at over 400 million sold. It beats the old record set by the artist's last album, "Street Bonez," which sold for 230 million copies in its first week, and continued on to Quintuple Diamond Laced Mercury status, or 5 trillion.

"Break me out... my Daaawg Stick.." sings Dawg's spokesperson Fresh TrooFz, "Yo I told you my dawg was troof. He spits it so wiggy-life on track 3.. shit, bring this one to the grocery grave know what I'm saying?"

To my surprise, Troofz is right. The one line in Track 3, Streetz Made From Bonez, is in fact, quite ill:

..Dawg's got a bullet, Raps made of gold
Life as I know it, Is like a rap made of gold..

Homie the Dawg speaks mostly to urban dogs and to the blind dog community, thus producing the record sales. Dog-children are upset at the explicit lyric content since they cannot yet purchase without the proper attire on or a parental eagle present.

-Hal Cronweld