June 14, 2008


The days of trouble and torment are over for dog Herman Linzioni after he successfully assassinated his master yesterday in Grand Cool Park II. Yosemite Linzioni is most known for murdering dumb things like bears, tires and free spirits, all of which are legal in the state of Kansas. But his dog could not stand by his master's side any longer as he murdered another bear.

"Herman's been really nervous this week, and now I know why," says hotel manager Gigi Laguardia, "I hated how they would bring their kills back with him to their room too. I got a lot of complaints from the cleaning department about bears in the sink and bloody tires all over the television."

While out on their daily killing walk, Herman and Yosemite stopped by the park for lunch. Herman nervously gave his master a grenade filled sandwich, which were cleverly covered in tunafish to make them virtually undetectable. Although many children and Herman himself were killed, the dreams of many bears can come true thanks to one brave dog and his trusty sandwich he likes to call "assassisandwich." 

-Hal Cronweld