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SCRAMBLED EGG FACED BOY STEALS SODA FOR CHARITY

DOG USES EXPLOSIVES TO PUT OUT FOREST FIRE

In an attempt to rid California of its yearly fire troubles, Chip (or "T-Rex" as some call him), bombarded the forests there with explosives. It's a technique all dogs learn at "Fire, Flamez, it's da Hotness School" located in New York.

"Explosions are larger and cooler than just dumb idiot fire," explains professor Haewhat Sup, "And when using explosions around mediocre fires, the smaller flames get jealous and start crying. Thus, putting out the flames-- the dog's a genius."

Earth-lovers in the area complained and didn't see a reasonable excuse for the localized inferno. They argued that he's doing more damage than the fires would do, or some shit like that I wasn't listening. Police loved the idea, they even dropped a few criminals into the forest before T-Rex had his way. 

-Hal Cronweld

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Microscopic dog found in garbage.


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DOG STOPS TORNADO WITH GRENADE

Yesterday, Dretch the dog opened his bag of secrets was able to stop the destructive winds of a tornado by throwing grenades at it. Potential victims of the storm rewarded the dog with 2 satchels of valor and a high five for saving their homes.

"It was so brave," says Sandy Recital, "I personally thanked him after the firemen left. Some were angry that their houses were on fire, but we have alarms for that kind of stuff. There's no alarm for wind and rain-- and anyone can put out a dumb fire."

Scientists declared Windtrain's tornado theories brilliant when they proved successful in testing. "From now on all storms and tornados will be handled by use of explosives." scientist Jones says, "Further tests will continue to see how tornados handle bullets, rockets, and nuclear weapons. We hope that in the future, you need not worry about your home being damaged by wind ever again."

-Hal Cronweld