Showing posts with label Murder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Murder. Show all posts
June 10, 2011
April 22, 2011
January 28, 2011
July 20, 2010
June 14, 2008
NEWS ALERT - DECEMBER 17
Dog ends war after catching grenade.
Old woman murdered for cooking dog.
Hal Cronweld dies.
BROTHER'S FAMILY PORTRAIT TURNS TO MURDER ON XGMAS
Tis the season to be Golden, that's what I always say. The ever popular Goldtmas started last night at sunset and dog families can't wait to kill their siblings-- that is, of course, if their sibling is a boy. The rules for xGmas are simple: "If you are considered a golden retriever, or by definition a 'true hero,' then you must kill your brother on the date mandated by the Ancient Golden Retrievers Dog-gods."
Since xGmas never falls on the same day year to year, traditional methods are used to determine when the holiday begins. It states:
"Whenever a promise is sewn to a flag on the eve of a new born tree's seventh birthday, the holiday begins!"
News of the promise came during a photoshoot for an xGmas card to the Harfling family. This glorious event was captured by photographer Trevor Gullysmith, who later sent the image to all their relatives.
"I think these guys were looking forward to Goldtmas a little too much this year," says Trevor, "As soon as the town whistle sounded the brothers instantly killed each other. I was glad to take a picture before too much blood spread around my studio, plus it'll make a great stocking stuffer for my child."
Gullysmith describes the murder as a chain reaction of "cool." Gustoph, the youngest brother, managed six shots with his favorite knife-gun after hearing his middle brother Hank unsheathe his sword. It's suspected that Leeland, the least creative brother, stabbed Gustoph to stop him from wasting knives in shooting Hank. Brilliant work boys, see you next year.
-Hal Cronweld
DOG SERVES TUNAFISH AND GRENADE SANDWICH TO MURDERER
The days of trouble and torment are over for dog Herman Linzioni after he successfully assassinated his master yesterday in Grand Cool Park II. Yosemite Linzioni is most known for murdering dumb things like bears, tires and free spirits, all of which are legal in the state of Kansas. But his dog could not stand by his master's side any longer as he murdered another bear.
"Herman's been really nervous this week, and now I know why," says hotel manager Gigi Laguardia, "I hated how they would bring their kills back with him to their room too. I got a lot of complaints from the cleaning department about bears in the sink and bloody tires all over the television."
While out on their daily killing walk, Herman and Yosemite stopped by the park for lunch. Herman nervously gave his master a grenade filled sandwich, which were cleverly covered in tunafish to make them virtually undetectable. Although many children and Herman himself were killed, the dreams of many bears can come true thanks to one brave dog and his trusty sandwich he likes to call "assassisandwich."
-Hal Cronweld
EAGLE SAMURAI'S MURDER PLANS FOILED BY SOIL
Ancient treasure Eagle Samurai was arrested yesterday on the charge of attemped murder. His target: hot-shot drug dealer and dog Euclid Pastrami. According to reports, Eagle hid underground beneath the morning dew, waiting for Pastrami to fetch his TrueAmericanDog newspaper. On sight of the drug addict, Eagle readied himself, only to find his sword was caught at an awkward angle in the mud and he could not spring forth from his hole. Neighbors share what they witnessed.
"All I remember was hearing this horrific sound, like an eagle struggling to get itself out from a dirt hole while wearing samurai attire," says Howie Dickle, "and when I went outside and saw what was happening, I high-fived my wife for calling the sound exactly. It was awesome."
Eagle spent the past 28 years of his life planning this murder. To honor his samurai traditions, he even crafted a gravestone of his victim to be buried there immediately after a successful murder. As for Pastrami, he admires his new gravestone and looks forward to using it one day. Police gave him some free drugs to deal for his troubles.
-Hal Cronweld
NEWS ALERT - DECEMBER 8
Hibernating dog worries about the frigid winter.
Homie the Dawg's new reality TV series is a hit.
Lawsuit: Dog burns owner to death-- owner sues.
SUPER DOG GETS IMPALED BY HORSE'S YACHT
The world has lost its only super dog in an odd string of events that led to the impalement of super dog "Danger Elite Destroyer," born Clyde Harris. Danger was on a routine fly around the ocean when Dumb Legs the Horse came speeding up out of nowhere and destroyed the Destroyer. A paramedic describes the scene.
"Oh terrible to you!" scolds Jence Irisuite, "A horse's boat is broken, have some compassion! I think the horse had blood in his eyes from that shitty bleeding mess of a corpse. Horse I love you!!"
"Danger loves boats, but not that much," says friend Sardy Demmint, "Or maybe he doesn't I don't know, I'm not his friend."
Super dogs are one of a kind true heroes and can come from anywhere, not just America. They fly, dance, do trivia, eat trees and share poetry while standing on a burning child. It's those little things that bring a dog to super status, except in America, where all dogs are heroes.
-Hal Cronweld
NEWS ALERT - NOVEMBER 30
Dog saves another bagged child.
Twin dogs finally caught after lengthy murder spree.
Dog tries to invent new car-- police allow public to shoot his legs.
NEWS ALERT - NOVEMBER 26
Dog finishes dig to China.
Eagle dies after falling down stairs.
Dog uses bullet implants in his teeth for extra murdering power.
NEWS ALERT - NOVEMBER 18
Barfy Scorpion gets laser eye surgery.
Undercover dog dies when attempting to act kewl.
Dog arrested for using murder blanket incorrectly.
NEWS ALERT - NOVEMBER 17
Dog fills balloon with gold.
Clown dog feasts on sandbox.
Dog finds missing clues in child's heart-- 12 bullets found.
MURDER AT THE ANNUAL DOG NRA CONFERENCE
Tradegy struck the National Rifle Association for Dogs this month when a founding member accidentally received 3-40 bullets to the heart. The event held by the NRA annually accounts for 80% of the donations towards the Children for Guns campaign, where members can trade their children for the latest in bullet technology.
“I really didn't see it happen," says chaperone Lynn Reddens, "It was during their traditional 'Throw the Bottle of Poison the Koolest' contest. And from what I can tell, a dog tried taping the poison to a gun for a sweet throw when it accidentally went off.
Although the cause of death seems obvious, the NRA denies that the victim died from gunfire. Leader Doglton Barkston states, "The situation got out of hand, yes, but look at the evidence-- there's a bottle of poison attached to a gun, dogs were playing with poison, children and poison are not allowed, etc. To me it's clear guns are not to blame."
Following the case, police arrested the leading members of the National Poison Association this morning after finding plans for bullets shaped like bottles of poison in their company garage. They were released once they found out the poison in the bullets was the kind only children can smell.
-Hal Cronweld
DOG BELIEVES IN HIMSELF-- COMMITS SUICIDE
Hopesworthy believed in himself this morning, but not for long. “I distinctly heard the sound of a dull plastic knife cutting through dog flesh,” reported an anonymous man who happened to be spying on the dog’s house at the time of the suicide. Hopesworthy was found naked, naturally, with his physical heart cut out in the shape of a figurative heart, lying within the perimeter of a ten foot peace sign painted with his own blood.
Hopesworthy was last seen dragging a fifty-pound gold McDonald’s advertisement around his neck in exchange for ‘Hope Coins’, a valueless currency that Hopesworthy invented and was happily paid in.
“Hopesworthy’s heart was overflowing with handshakes and hellos. It’s unfortunate a dead heart can’t pump blood, a dead hand can’t shake, and a stupid dead mouth is nothing but junk,” texted Ronald McDonald. The remainder of the ‘Hope Coins’ that were pressed for Hopesworthy’s services will be lit aflame in dumpsters across America in his honor, and to cause unnecessary pollution.
“I Hope we can all learn something from this. I know I did. How fucking cool is it to kill yourself and get this much attention?” announced Razzleberry High School Principal, Jerry Coat during the school’s ‘Be Aware of Life’ assembly.
-Falcon G.
NEWS ALERT - NOVEMBER 10
Economy: New jobs keep dogs employed.
Dog discovers 6-week old fossil after burying stamps.
Horse drives ice-cream truck on Murder Blvd.
DOG SLICES ROBOT IN HALF-- FINDS MURDERED CHILD INSIDE
A suspected serial killer was arrested yesterday when a dog apparently solved a four year long murdering spree in Hollydale's Child Are Our Future and Favorite Pastime center. Yartrov Frenhaq, owner, provides the children with a daily ride in his robot, which has attracted many children to the play center. Concerned parents feel their children are at greater risk of being covered in blood when riding in the machine.
"I lost my first born when he climbed into the garbage disposal looking for some kind of metallic machine to ride in," says Greg Hookler, "He loved the robot at the daycare center a lot but who loves my child now? Not me."
A dog passing by on a sword-walk heard the clanks and the smiles of children inside. He rushed in proudly and destroyed the robot with a quick slash. Police arrived minutes later and recognized the robot as the accomplice of many child murders over the years. Frenhaq was immediately shot in the leg and arrested by the dog and is now awaiting trial.
-Hal Cronweld
NEWS ALERT - OCTOBER 25
Dog makes Spider-man 2 for dogs.
Mysterious death points to dog's murder blanket.
Horse enjoys eagle's jokes.
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