Hopesworthy believed in himself this morning, but not for long. “I distinctly heard the sound of a dull plastic knife cutting through dog flesh,” reported an anonymous man who happened to be spying on the dog’s house at the time of the suicide. Hopesworthy was found naked, naturally, with his physical heart cut out in the shape of a figurative heart, lying within the perimeter of a ten foot peace sign painted with his own blood.
Hopesworthy was last seen dragging a fifty-pound gold McDonald’s advertisement around his neck in exchange for ‘Hope Coins’, a valueless currency that Hopesworthy invented and was happily paid in.
“Hopesworthy’s heart was overflowing with handshakes and hellos. It’s unfortunate a dead heart can’t pump blood, a dead hand can’t shake, and a stupid dead mouth is nothing but junk,” texted Ronald McDonald. The remainder of the ‘Hope Coins’ that were pressed for Hopesworthy’s services will be lit aflame in dumpsters across America in his honor, and to cause unnecessary pollution.
“I Hope we can all learn something from this. I know I did. How fucking cool is it to kill yourself and get this much attention?” announced Razzleberry High School Principal, Jerry Coat during the school’s ‘Be Aware of Life’ assembly.
-Falcon G.
