Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts
February 25, 2011
November 17, 2010
October 20, 2010
August 23, 2010
August 13, 2010
August 11, 2010
August 10, 2010
August 6, 2010
August 2, 2010
July 28, 2010
June 14, 2008
NEWS ALERT - DECEMBER 9
Public affection amongst dogs gross-- get a life.
Old man steals copy of True American Dog away from its rightful owner.
Marsupial dog experiment going well.
DOG FIRST EVER TO ORDER "FOOD ON THE ROCKS"
God applauded yesterday when Throne the dog made the choice of a lifetime at Murmie’s bar pubbery. Throne was the first in the world to even dare to think about ordering “Food on the Rocks”, a mixed drink consisting of ice, vodka, and aged snacks. He thought about it for all of fifteen seconds before the peer pressure and physical violence from his buddies transcended him. “Order it you fucking pussy!” was heard throughout the bar with much enthusiasm.
“Food on the Rocks” had been avoided by even the most audacious of drinkers since its conception in 1432. Measuring in at three gallons of ninety proof ‘death water’ (not including the mandatory re-fill) and a conscious selection of ‘fooders’ and ‘foodies’, this legendary horse of a drink is anything but a joke.
“I was so fucked up I couldn’t remember shit. I do remember Throne the dog ordering 'Food on the Rocks' though. That was amazing,” explained Murmie’s bartender. Throne not only downed “Food on the rocks” at magnificent speeds, he also chewed through the glass and vomited blood for six straight minutes. “If he didn’t die we would’ve loved to have seen him do it again. I don’t know if he’ll be able to do much now,” teased Throne’s good friend, Clarissa.
Will Throne’s death encourage kids to “be fun” and “have trashed”? It’s very likely. At the writing of this article, I can tell kids have become more “dareful” just by the way they are getting tattoos of Throne ordering “Food on the Rocks.”
-Falcon G.
MAN PUTS DOG TO THE TEST
Neighborhood genius Philip Thee Garbedge began his work today to determine the strength of a dog's raditude and to find the source of its bravery. He set out to disprove the early studies of vetronymist Hoggard Kullp that describe dogs as being forged from the golden snow caps of Lucky Pine Forest, as it is clearly stated in many history books.
“Things are going well," says Garbedge, "but I haven't gotten to the smartest dogs yet, I'm starting with the smaller, dumber ones first that no one cares about. The results vary a little, with mostly images of trash, rope, treasure, and sand to name a few. No gold yet. I'm also uncertain and a little frightened about what will happen when I put a golden retriever in my machine. If legends are true the dog's raditude could kill us all."
Scientists and dog enthusiasts protest around Garbedge's home as they wait for the results. Many fear any anti-gold conclusions could trigger a dog depression and bloody murder spree. To stunt Garbedge's progress, some families have snapped the necks of their smaller, more retarded dogs. Only this machine can tell which race is superior.
-Hal Cronweld
DOG GIVES HAIRCUTS TO CHILDREN ON MOON
After running out of room on Earth, world renowned barber-dog Haggy has decided to bring his business to the moon. “Haggy the Dog’s Haircutz For Dude-Children,” the number one haircut place on the planet, with over 30 locations in every city in the world, has launched three of its most popular locations into space via airship/balloons. His goal is to combine a child’s love for space exploration with the parental concerns of how cool their child’s head looks.
“I think it’s darling,” says mother of four dudes Kara Typikal, “All my children love Haggy and they can’t wait to see him on the moon. Sure it’s a long trip but it’s my child’s head I’m worried about, you can’t take any chances.”
The question arises will the loyal customers follow their favorite Haggy’s locations to space? Yes. Haggy charges just 11 dollars and 42 million cents for his “Mooncutz,” and his projected profits for 2005 alone will make him the richest dog on the planet no contest.
-Hal Cronweld
NEWS ALERT - DECEMBER 1
Dog plants tree with chainsaw.
Horse gets awesome bronze eagle for hood ornament.
Study shows guns are a dog's favorite toy.
NEWS ALERT - NOVEMBER 30
Dog saves another bagged child.
Twin dogs finally caught after lengthy murder spree.
Dog tries to invent new car-- police allow public to shoot his legs.
DOG SEES SOME FUCKED UP SHIT IN MAGICAL FOREST
Farmer Habertick had police rescue his dog Joey from the magical forest that lies within the borders of Peru this weekend. Habertick realized his dog was missing when he did not return from his morning shoe collecting job.
"My dog goes around the neighborhood collecting people's shoes so that I can steal them," says the farmer, "I realized he'd gone missing when I had no shoes to put in my milk for lunch. But I noticed a trail of wood glue on the ground, and I knew exactly where he could be."
Habertick is known around town for having an large collection of bronze statues that he makes delicious sandwiches from. He disposes of the excess statue parts in the forest in his backyard, where, years ago, wood- glue was invented by birds and sunshine. The forest was given the title Woodglue Woods, but some locals had trouble pronouncing it so it became better known as Magical Forest.
"It's unclear what life-forms have evolved in the Magical Foest, but we do know that excess amounts of woodglue and bronze do not mix," says therapist Howard Froll, "Joey has seen some very traumatic images in that forest. He is currently in the critical condition known as death, and I can't help him unless he answers some more questions about the forest."
-Hal Cronweld
DOG MAKES INTERATIVE CD-ROM EDITION OF THANKSGIVING
Buster Magillicutty, dog and computer whiz, announced today a new product that he will add to his "Oh Hey!" learning series called “Thanksgiving: Eating, Pilgrims, and Death, Thank You.” He started developing the deluxe CD-ROM in the early 1940s, with a goal to accurately portray a family eating thanksgiving dinner in real-time. To officially mark the end of his research, Magillicutty rang the Thanksgiving Bell in the center of the town library.
“It’s all about getting the graphix to be awesome,” says Magillicutty’s graphic artist, “I was thinking about pilgrims, turkey, life, graphix, COMPUTERz, etc. So I made an awesome bold-simple statement with this killer package, full with lightning and lasers, complete with any type of jetfighter or skeleton that would fit onto my Alien Graphix paper.”
The CD-ROM contains ingredients to Magillicutty’s Famous Thanksgiving Holiday Sandwich, consisting of turkey, leaves, potatoes, hope, mischief, owls and a dash of a gobble.wav sound FX. You will also find that the CD-ROM itself can be used to serve thanksgiving dinner, simply break the disc in half and pour the ‘information gravy’ on to the delicious sandwich for all to enjoy. Users will need to purchase a separate CD-ROM for the plate and silverware. Each member of the family needs 6 CD-ROMs to enjoy Thanksgiving.
-Hal Cronweld
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