Neighborhood genius Philip Thee Garbedge began his work today to determine the strength of a dog's raditude and to find the source of its bravery. He set out to disprove the early studies of vetronymist Hoggard Kullp that describe dogs as being forged from the golden snow caps of Lucky Pine Forest, as it is clearly stated in many history books.
“Things are going well," says Garbedge, "but I haven't gotten to the smartest dogs yet, I'm starting with the smaller, dumber ones first that no one cares about. The results vary a little, with mostly images of trash, rope, treasure, and sand to name a few. No gold yet. I'm also uncertain and a little frightened about what will happen when I put a golden retriever in my machine. If legends are true the dog's raditude could kill us all."
Scientists and dog enthusiasts protest around Garbedge's home as they wait for the results. Many fear any anti-gold conclusions could trigger a dog depression and bloody murder spree. To stunt Garbedge's progress, some families have snapped the necks of their smaller, more retarded dogs. Only this machine can tell which race is superior.
-Hal Cronweld
