June 14, 2008


Ancient treasure Eagle Samurai was arrested yesterday on the charge of attemped murder. His target: hot-shot drug dealer and dog Euclid Pastrami. According to reports, Eagle hid underground beneath the morning dew, waiting for Pastrami to fetch his TrueAmericanDog newspaper. On sight of the drug addict, Eagle readied himself, only to find his sword was caught at an awkward angle in the mud and he could not spring forth from his hole. Neighbors share what they witnessed.

"All I remember was hearing this horrific sound, like an eagle struggling to get itself out from a dirt hole while wearing samurai attire," says Howie Dickle, "and when I went outside and saw what was happening, I high-fived my wife for calling the sound exactly. It was awesome."

Eagle spent the past 28 years of his life planning this murder. To honor his samurai traditions, he even crafted a gravestone of his victim to be buried there immediately after a successful murder. As for Pastrami, he admires his new gravestone and looks forward to using it one day. Police gave him some free drugs to deal for his troubles. 

-Hal Cronweld