June 14, 2008

True Newz will be realtime soon

Greetings children,

Please enjoy the backlog of what was previously True American Dog. All stories are archived on the right, with a link to the first story above the archive list. This site will not have such a dog-related focus as it's previous version, but will hopefully be as enjoyable.

Contributions will come from various people as usual, please excuse any inconsistencies as we get up and running again.



Dog Narc Works Undercover at College Party

It's hard to be cool nowadays, and even harder to be kewl. That's why police have hired dog Roger Silvertrust as a spy to catch kids in the act of using, holding, eating, dating, clowning, or catching drugs. 

"Last week he came back all drunk and shitfaced, it was hilarious," says police chief Hobard Kullington, "He really gets into his work, he laces a lot of his clothes with today's coolest beers or drugs and drinks that shit all night. Seriously though, I think he's going to be president one day. He knows a lot of kids. And when kids know about presidents, there's nothing you can't not do to become one."

Silvertrust is most known for holding dance-offs with the intent to have drugs fall out of his pockets to see which kids will dive after them. When they approach the child is attacked by a robot that waits in the car outside listening for the sound of drugs falling.

-Hal Cronweld
Rest in Peace.

Dear children,
You may be curious about my uncle's death. He was found dead this morning mauled by his own 3900 dogs. The dogs were apparently tipped off that their owner was the one writing fake dog news every day and so they destroyed him. He was found by his computer with the image of himself(left) printed out. On the floor was this message written in blood: "Alien Lazer Graphixxxxx," with an arrow pointing to a tear drop that he also printed out.

As for the status of True American Dog, he had a few blueprints and notes on his drafting table that I immediately sent out to a cool graphix designer. There will be fewer updates over the next couple of weeks, unless I can manage to get his briefcase open. Expect an all new True Dog to be back up after the new year.


News Alert - December 17

Dog ends war after catching grenade.

Old woman murdered for cooking dog.

Hal Cronweld dies.

Dog Builds Sandcastle-- Finds Missing Family Inside

While locals made fun of a retarded dog for building a sandcastle on a field in the midst of winter, police were congratulating him. Why? He's managed to find a family that's been missing for over 200 years living inside his hand crafted dream house. 

The Kolowen Family, most known for their extravagant clown parties of the 18th Century, have been dead for years according to history books and police. In fact, 67 men and women have been put to death blamed for the disappearance of this adorable family. And now by some odd coincidence they show up in the fantastic world of a retarded dog. The dog's owner shares his opinions. 

"I found that dog on the beach years ago," says ranch owner Ghett Wreal, "Now I know why he's been taking trips there every winter and coming back with sand taped to his legs. Oh, and that family? Yeah they're alright, it's bullshit if you ask me--"

Police interrupted the interview at this point with 6 shots to Wreal's leg. "The blanket of dreams and miracles rests on the comfort of a grilled cheese pillow," says the police chief, "I have no respect for those who think otherwise." 

-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 16

Eagle ruins dog's dinner plans.

Dog awaits first fan to come to his book signing.

Dog teaches suitcase how to ride a horse for upcoming trip to the west.

Brother's Family Portrait Turns to Murder on xGmas

Tis the season to be Golden, that's what I always say. The ever popular Goldtmas started last night at sunset and dog families can't wait to kill their siblings-- that is, of course, if their sibling is a boy. The rules for xGmas are simple: "If you are considered a golden retriever, or by definition a 'true hero,' then you must kill your brother on the date mandated by the Ancient Golden Retrievers Dog-gods." 

Since xGmas never falls on the same day year to year, traditional methods are used to determine when the holiday begins. It states: 

"Whenever a promise is sewn to a flag on the eve of a new born tree's seventh birthday, the holiday begins!" 

News of the promise came during a photoshoot for an xGmas card to the Harfling family. This glorious event was captured by photographer Trevor Gullysmith, who later sent the image to all their relatives.

"I think these guys were looking forward to Goldtmas a little too much this year," says Trevor, "As soon as the town whistle sounded the brothers instantly killed each other. I was glad to take a picture before too much blood spread around my studio, plus it'll make a great stocking stuffer for my child."

Gullysmith describes the murder as a chain reaction of "cool." Gustoph, the youngest brother, managed six shots with his favorite knife-gun after hearing his middle brother Hank unsheathe his sword. It's suspected that Leeland, the least creative brother, stabbed Gustoph to stop him from wasting knives in shooting Hank. Brilliant work boys, see you next year.

-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 15

Stand-in Dog Mayor gives speech to start the Goldtmas festivities-- assassinated by his brother shortly after.

Brothers team up to kill older brother during holiday surfing trip.

Brotherless puppy has to cut own neck to celebrate the occasion.

Dog Does Awesome Stunts and Shit While Parents Away

Kleenex Radbury does a lot of cool shit whenever he feels like it. Some refer to him as the 'neighborhood menace,' a 'troubled teenage dog with no life', or the 'crappy shit-eater,' but they're all jealous of his extreme horsing-off. He likes to call himself "Radbones Breaks Your Life," and likes to live life like a genius.

"I can't believe some of the things we've caught him doing while on vacation," cries mother Nancy Radbury, "Ice skating in the stove, jumping pools on his ATV, gallivanting in the market with his jump-roping, tying his shoes while burning them simultaneously, eating aluminum to save the world, the list goes on! If you ask me he really needs to get his priorities and motives straightened out."

All of Radbones' tricks are done for various charities around the country. When we asked Jake's Apples N' Real Apples Shop in Alaska if he received his contribution from Radbones for his motorcading event, Jake had no idea what we were talking about. As compensation, Radbones sent him a piece of glass with his signature on it along with a flyer saying "Break Your Life."

-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 14

Dog finds missing family in gun.

Dog challenges Mia Hamm to play one last game before she retires.

New dog handlebars on razor scooters even more radical than advertised.

Dog Serves Tunafish and Grenade Sandwich to Murderer

The days of trouble and torment are over for dog Herman Linzioni after he successfully assassinated his master yesterday in Grand Cool Park II. Yosemite Linzioni is most known for murdering dumb things like bears, tires and free spirits, all of which are legal in the state of Kansas. But his dog could not stand by his master's side any longer as he murdered another bear.

"Herman's been really nervous this week, and now I know why," says hotel manager Gigi Laguardia, "I hated how they would bring their kills back with him to their room too. I got a lot of complaints from the cleaning department about bears in the sink and bloody tires all over the television."

While out on their daily killing walk, Herman and Yosemite stopped by the park for lunch. Herman nervously gave his master a grenade filled sandwich, which were cleverly covered in tunafish to make them virtually undetectable. Although many children and Herman himself were killed, the dreams of many bears can come true thanks to one brave dog and his trusty sandwich he likes to call "assassisandwich." 

-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 13

Giant Dog spotted playing in lake.

Dogs fight over who saw vampire first.

Horse gives father a surprise visit.

Tom Hanks to Play Famous Dog Hero in Upcoming Movie

You may not have heard of him yet, but Snacktime the famous dog hero will become a household name when his heroic tale of heroism is brought to the silver screen by director Sanford McRotchis-Red. The part of Snacktime will be played by none other than Tom Hanks (Joe vs. The Volcano). 

Hanks has been known to take extreme measures when preparing for a part-- loosing 50 lbs to play Chuck Noland in Castaway, and 500 lbs to play Sergeant Negative in The Invisible and Physically Impossible World of Sergeant Negative. To play the role of Snacktime, he has been trying to reenact some of the dog hero's famous heroisms. He shares his experiences thus far. 

"In his autobiography HeroLife, DogLife Snackie-T describes the time he saved an elderly child from a bullet. I tried to recreate this scenario last weekend, but only a few of the test children survived..." Hanks trailed off into agi-tears®, a new type of agitated crying he invented to mimic Snacktime's superhuman emotions. 

Many have questioned McRotchis-Red for casting a human to play a dog, but he will not be dissuaded. "With computers, anything is possible!" he said, and refused to elaborate. We can only guess that Hanks will be turned into a dog by some sort of "Xtreme-power Super GraphiX Mainframe" computer. We can't wait. 

-Eagletoes Fabricsson

Dog Winning Hide and Seek Competition with Blind Horse

What started as a friendly game has turned into a record shattering hide-and-go-seek competition between horse Klappy McRooney and dog Hides Pillthrower. For seventeen straight weeks now Hides has been hidden from the blind eyes of Klappy. Farmer McRooney comments on his prize winning champ of a dog.

"That has nothing to do games, I keep my horses blind and my dogs on top of them. Thank you."

Hides was originally purchased as a seeing-eye dog for the blind horse, but as we all know, dogs can be quite good at joking with horses. At the time of this article Hides was well in the lead of Klappy, as noted on the side of the barn scratched in by the cow referee. And although tied to a pole, Klappy searches tirelessly for his canine buddy. I look forward to the end of the contest, either the horse will die or find out he's been fooled so badly he'll die. Until then.

-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 10

Dog offers stolen sea horse to owner.

Puppies sleep with corpse of their previous owner for comfort.

Dog bakes lightbulbs for dinner.

Eagle Samurai's Murder Plans Foiled by Soil

Ancient treasure Eagle Samurai was arrested yesterday on the charge of attemped murder. His target: hot-shot drug dealer and dog Euclid Pastrami. According to reports, Eagle hid underground beneath the morning dew, waiting for Pastrami to fetch his TrueAmericanDog newspaper. On sight of the drug addict, Eagle readied himself, only to find his sword was caught at an awkward angle in the mud and he could not spring forth from his hole. Neighbors share what they witnessed.

"All I remember was hearing this horrific sound, like an eagle struggling to get itself out from a dirt hole while wearing samurai attire," says Howie Dickle, "and when I went outside and saw what was happening, I high-fived my wife for calling the sound exactly. It was awesome."

Eagle spent the past 28 years of his life planning this murder. To honor his samurai traditions, he even crafted a gravestone of his victim to be buried there immediately after a successful murder. As for Pastrami, he admires his new gravestone and looks forward to using it one day. Police gave him some free drugs to deal for his troubles. 

-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 9

Public affection amongst dogs gross-- get a life.

Old man steals copy of True American Dog away from its rightful owner.

Marsupial dog experiment going well.

News Alert - December 8

Hibernating dog worries about the frigid winter.

Homie the Dawg's new reality TV series is a hit.

Lawsuit: Dog burns owner to death-- owner sues.

Super Dog Gets Impaled by Horse's Yacht

The world has lost its only super dog in an odd string of events that led to the impalement of super dog "Danger Elite Destroyer," born Clyde Harris. Danger was on a routine fly around the ocean when Dumb Legs the Horse came speeding up out of nowhere and destroyed the Destroyer. A paramedic describes the scene.
"Oh terrible to you!" scolds Jence Irisuite, "A horse's boat is broken, have some compassion! I think the horse had blood in his eyes from that shitty bleeding mess of a corpse. Horse I love you!!" 
"Danger loves boats, but not that much," says friend Sardy Demmint, "Or maybe he doesn't I don't know, I'm not his friend."
Super dogs are one of a kind true heroes and can come from anywhere, not just America. They fly, dance, do trivia, eat trees and share poetry while standing on a burning child. It's those little things that bring a dog to super status, except in America, where all dogs are heroes.
-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 7

New watch for dogs is awesome.

Rare breed of ceramic horse dies.

Baby ruins dog's bath.

Dog Uses Explosives to Put Out Forest Fire

In an attempt to rid California of its yearly fire troubles, Chip (or "T-Rex" as some call him), bombarded the forests there with explosives. It's a technique all dogs learn at "Fire, Flamez, it's da Hotness School" located in New York.

"Explosions are larger and cooler than just dumb idiot fire," explains professor Haewhat Sup, "And when using explosions around mediocre fires, the smaller flames get jealous and start crying. Thus, putting out the flames-- the dog's a genius."
Earth-lovers in the area complained and didn't see a reasonable excuse for the localized inferno. They argued that he's doing more damage than the fires would do, or some shit like that I wasn't listening. Police loved the idea, they even dropped a few criminals into the forest before T-Rex had his way. 
-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 6

Dog controls clouds with sharpened bone.

Dog moves into new house.

Dog steals stick from tree-- Police shoot legs.

Dog First Ever to Order "Food on the Rocks"

God applauded yesterday when Throne the dog made the choice of a lifetime at Murmie’s bar pubbery. Throne was the first in the world to even dare to think about ordering “Food on the Rocks”, a mixed drink consisting of ice, vodka, and aged snacks. He thought about it for all of fifteen seconds before the peer pressure and physical violence from his buddies transcended him. “Order it you fucking pussy!” was heard throughout the bar with much enthusiasm.
“Food on the Rocks” had been avoided by even the most audacious of drinkers since its conception in 1432. Measuring in at three gallons of ninety proof ‘death water’ (not including the mandatory re-fill) and a conscious selection of ‘fooders’ and ‘foodies’, this legendary horse of a drink is anything but a joke.
“I was so fucked up I couldn’t remember shit. I do remember Throne the dog ordering 'Food on the Rocks' though. That was amazing,” explained Murmie’s bartender. Throne not only downed “Food on the rocks” at magnificent speeds, he also chewed through the glass and vomited blood for six straight minutes. “If he didn’t die we would’ve loved to have seen him do it again. I don’t know if he’ll be able to do much now,” teased Throne’s good friend, Clarissa.
Will Throne’s death encourage kids to “be fun” and “have trashed”? It’s very likely. At the writing of this article, I can tell kids have become more “dareful” just by the way they are getting tattoos of Throne ordering “Food on the Rocks.”
-Falcon G.

News Alert - December 3

Woman teaches old dog new trick.

Dog helps boy saw horse in half.

Dog lassos corpse to safety.

Man Puts Dog to the Test

Neighborhood genius Philip Thee Garbedge began his work today to determine the strength of a dog's raditude and to find the source of its bravery. He set out to disprove the early studies of vetronymist Hoggard Kullp that describe dogs as being forged from the golden snow caps of Lucky Pine Forest, as it is clearly stated in many history books.
“Things are going well," says Garbedge, "but I haven't gotten to the smartest dogs yet, I'm starting with the smaller, dumber ones first that no one cares about. The results vary a little, with mostly images of trash, rope, treasure, and sand to name a few. No gold yet. I'm also uncertain and a little frightened about what will happen when I put a golden retriever in my machine. If legends are true the dog's raditude could kill us all."
Scientists and dog enthusiasts protest around Garbedge's home as they wait for the results. Many fear any anti-gold conclusions could trigger a dog depression and bloody murder spree. To stunt Garbedge's progress, some families have snapped the necks of their smaller, more retarded dogs. Only this machine can tell which race is superior.
-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 2

Barfy Scorpion lands a babysitting job.

Star dog sells his dumb frame collection.

Vampire breaks neck at dance party.

Dog Gives Haircuts to Children on Moon

After running out of room on Earth, world renowned barber-dog Haggy has decided to bring his business to the moon. “Haggy the Dog’s Haircutz For Dude-Children,” the number one haircut place on the planet, with over 30 locations in every city in the world, has launched three of its most popular locations into space via airship/balloons. His goal is to combine a child’s love for space exploration with the parental concerns of how cool their child’s head looks.
“I think it’s darling,” says mother of four dudes Kara Typikal, “All my children love Haggy and they can’t wait to see him on the moon. Sure it’s a long trip but it’s my child’s head I’m worried about, you can’t take any chances.”
The question arises will the loyal customers follow their favorite Haggy’s locations to space? Yes. Haggy charges just 11 dollars and 42 million cents for his “Mooncutz,” and his projected profits for 2005 alone will make him the richest dog on the planet no contest.
-Hal Cronweld

News Alert - December 1

Dog plants tree with chainsaw.

Horse gets awesome bronze eagle for hood ornament.

Study shows guns are a dog's favorite toy.

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