June 14, 2008

Dog First Ever to Order "Food on the Rocks"



God applauded yesterday when Throne the dog made the choice of a lifetime at Murmie’s bar pubbery. Throne was the first in the world to even dare to think about ordering “Food on the Rocks”, a mixed drink consisting of ice, vodka, and aged snacks. He thought about it for all of fifteen seconds before the peer pressure and physical violence from his buddies transcended him. “Order it you fucking pussy!” was heard throughout the bar with much enthusiasm.
“Food on the Rocks” had been avoided by even the most audacious of drinkers since its conception in 1432. Measuring in at three gallons of ninety proof ‘death water’ (not including the mandatory re-fill) and a conscious selection of ‘fooders’ and ‘foodies’, this legendary horse of a drink is anything but a joke.
“I was so fucked up I couldn’t remember shit. I do remember Throne the dog ordering 'Food on the Rocks' though. That was amazing,” explained Murmie’s bartender. Throne not only downed “Food on the rocks” at magnificent speeds, he also chewed through the glass and vomited blood for six straight minutes. “If he didn’t die we would’ve loved to have seen him do it again. I don’t know if he’ll be able to do much now,” teased Throne’s good friend, Clarissa.
Will Throne’s death encourage kids to “be fun” and “have trashed”? It’s very likely. At the writing of this article, I can tell kids have become more “dareful” just by the way they are getting tattoos of Throne ordering “Food on the Rocks.”
-Falcon G.


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